Monday, January 22, 2007

Co-Conspirator Unveiled

I guess this won’t be the real Kennedy “Conspiracy” until I start posting. Poor David has been carrying the water (and quite well, I’d say) while I’ve spent weeks trying to think of something to write about. I just can’t think of anything important to say.

Should I talk about why I think Nancy Pelosi and Hillary Clinton could double-handedly bankrupt the U.S. health care system, despite their considerable contributions through plastic surgery? Should I compile etiquette rules for communicating with strangers in enclosed public places like elevators, carpools, buses, subway cars, airplanes, etc.? I've spent hours in all of these places in recent months. Recently: after an elevator stops on the third consecutive floor, the man in the back says, “I guess we picked up the local today. Where can I catch the express?” Umm... I have to admit that I’ve said a lame thing or two to someone in an elevator, but nothing (I assure you) good came of it. I’ve concluded that most people enjoy the few moments of peace and quiet they get everyday while traveling to and from work.

There are times when verbal communication is necessary in public places. For example, “Excuse me; this is my Metro stop (and you’re blocking the door with your suitcase and oversized FBI sweatshirt).” Has living in DC hardened me? Maybe so. I do honk my horn at everything when I drive in the city now. I didn’t used to. But, don’t people need to know when they can't drive?

There should also be a list of rules about personal space and touching in public places. A few weeks ago, I was in a crowded Metro car on the way to work and the woman behind me was standing WAY too close. I know sometimes it’s too crowded to worry about personal space and bumping just can’t be avoided. This actually wasn’t one of those times. It was crowded, but not THAT crowded. In the end, I had only inches in front of me to move forward. Every time I moved forward (which finally consisted of flexing my stomach muscles and moving ever-so slightly so as not to touch the person in front of me but to get the heck away from the lady behind me), she moved closer to me. Where can people go to learn that they shouldn’t spoon random woman on the Metro? Maybe this blog should be about that. I’ll think about it.

I think I want this post to be about misused clichés like “carrying the water.” Why do we take phrases that we hear and use them to mean what we think they mean but not what they really mean? Chew on that. So, if David’s been carrying my water, does that mean I know I’m smarter and more powerful than he is or has he been following me around waiting for me to get thirsty?

Am I a bitter blogger? I hope not.

Next time, should we talk about Valentine’s Day presents and how to deseed a pomegranate? Let’s!


David Kennedy said...

Wow, you have so much to blog about. How have you kept it in for so long? I’m dying to know more of your suggestions on etiquette rules for communicating with strangers.

chris Hayes said...

Regarding personal space, the erudite Ted L. Nancy posed a similiar question in his epic tome Letters From A Nut; when moving down row seating (such as a stadium) should one face seated individuals or allow them to view one's posterior ("butt first or crotch first")?

Along these same lines, I might suggest turning to face the person snuggling up behind you. It's likely to freak them out, and you just might learn some exciting new Cha-Cha steps (or Fox Trot steps, if you happen to be in St. Louis).

Just curious, does David have a sister named Andrea?

David Kennedy said...

Tyler Durden said something along those lines too...

A sister named Andrea....? Maybe.

David Kennedy said...

Upon further review re: rules about personal space and touching in public places:

Rule #1: NO touching in public places.

I won't even mention rule #2.

chris Hayes said...

I missed the part where Tyler Durden suggested learning dance steps from pervy strangers on a bus.

I won't ask you to divulge rule #2, but does it involve a cat?

David Kennedy said...

It was the which way should you face when sliding past people in a row question that Tyler Durden posed.

No, Rule #2 does not involve cats. Actually now that the topic has been broached, maybe Rule #1 is Don't Talk About Fight Club and Rule #2 is No Touching in Public Places.

chris Hayes said...

As it seems a list of etiquette rules for communicating with strangers in enclosed public places has begun, if I may be so bold, I'd like to request Rule #3 pertain to commenting on the obvious, i.e."wow, it is SO hot",or "can you believe how many white people are here?"

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